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Monthly Archives: January 2011

Big Horn Sheep (Male), Near Jasper, Alberta

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There was a time, before my wife and I got
got married, when I was almost single.

This is WD0FEO, coming to you from the Colorado Queen.

Yes, it really is me (back in the day).

Did I really just say that?  Yes, I guess I did.  I
was almost single, because the woman dropped
me like moldy blueberry yogurt.

She was living alone in a buffet apartment in
Grant, Colorado.  Grant is the size of one male
Rocky Mountain Big Horn Sheep.  The South
Platte River (excellent trout fishing) was right
outside her kitchen window and across the
highway is the goat path which goes up over
Guanella Pass and drops back down into
Georgetown.  I could not stand the thought of
her being there all alone with nothing, but Big
Horn Sheep to keep her company.

It drove me googly-eyed bonkers.  I could not
eat or sleep, how could I when I had to worry
about how to act being single.  Between her and
the few dates I managed to scrape up now and
then, the word single was not in my vocabulary. 

I sent friends by with bags of groceries for her.
She would call me up at the Bailey Country Store
and read me the riot act, then hang up.  One day
I snuck over to her landlord’s house, right next
door to her place and paid the rent for her.  It
was not long before she found out, and boy was
she angry.  You never want to see that woman
angry.  She’s a lot like the Tasmanian devil on
steroids when she gets mad.  Needless to say,
she called the law.

When the telephone at the store rang, it went
like this,  “Hello.”

“Glenn, this is detective so-and-so.”

“Yes.”  I was thinking she jumped in the river or
something.  My heart was in the bottoms of my
Fred Flintstone feet.

“I was just wondering,” this man clears his throat
and it sounds a bit like fingernails scraping on a
chalkboard.  “If I say I will never come into your
store again, will you pay my rent too?”

Luckily I only had to show up at her door once
with a big yellow ribbon tied around my neck
and a couple of crocodile tears in my eyes.  She
said yes and within a few weeks we were married
at Olive Garden, for the Black Tie Cheesecake.

All in all, I was almost single once, but I am glad
she said yes.  I still can’t sleep.  However, I do
have access to all the sugary, chocolate, pastry,
and home-baked goodies a man could ever have
nightmares about.

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.

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Whipped cream coffee & sandwich

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Approximately six years ago, my wife’s son got
her hooked on the Vinte’ Starbucks Mocha
Frappacino with two shots of espresso, and of
coarse, tons of whipped cream.  He should have
been ashamed of himself, knowing how
susceptible his mother is, to such fantastic
delights.  She is the carbohydrate, raw sugar and
espresso queen.  However, she does not have the tiaras to
prove her royalty, but it is true.

Three years back she proceeded to get me
hooked on the same Starbucks drink with, yes
(my head is hanging low in shame and severe
self loathing) the additional espresso and a
whole lot of whipped cream.  Who would have
ever thought that being a sweet mocha caf-fiend
whipped cream junkie could be so blessed
heavenly.  I am a true sap.  I know she led me by
the string around her cute little pinky into my
tragic addiction just so Iwould be her Starbucks
supplier.

Happily, I can say I did get even a few months
ago.  In my abnormal desire for anything sweet
and satisfying, I stumbled with beady bloodshot
eyes down the ice cream isle at the grocery store
frantically searching for the magic container at
the end of an hallucinated rainbow.  Sweating
profusely, I was literally frothing at the mouth.
Suddenly, there between two other brands sat
the crown jewel of cold creamy gems and I knew
at once I was saved.  My guardian angel was with
me.  Trembling, I hastily grabbed up two pints
of Starbucks Mocha Frappacino Ice Cream, even
though it does not come with added espresso.  I
raced home hoping not to get a ticket for licking
from an open container.  Vengeance is a tasty
delight, because now she buys my ice cream.

Wait a minute, me thinks I have been duped yet
again.  My lady uses my coinage.   

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.

Milwaukee brand tools have always been a
preference for demanding professionals, they
are famous for durability and quality.  Anyone
who needs to drill a few holes or put in a couple
of screws find this cordless drill indispensable.
The Milwaukee 12 Volt Drill Driver does not
disappoint even for the roughest of tradesmen.
Weighing only 2.5 pounds, the lightweight
advantage of this tool is genuinely practical for
large and small jobs alike.  The lean 7 3/8 inch
length not only fits in those cramped spaces,
but slides right into a tool belt freeing up your
hands for other needed tasks.

With two superior Lithium-Ion batteries and a
thirty minute charger you will continue working
while others are at a virtual standstill.  The
handy battery fuel gauge on the Milwaukee M12
Drill Driver gives remaining run-time at a glance,
eliminating perpetual guesswork.  With this great
cordless drill there is no need to waste valuable
time looking for a light source, it includes a
convenient LED illumination right at your
fingertip pointing exactly where you need it.

Milwaukee has included easy to read torque
clutch settings so your screws should never be
overdriven.  Dual speed settings from 0 to 400,
or 0 to 1500 RPM adds essential versatility to
this amazing little tool.  With 250 LBS of full
torque this drill driver will tackle most jobs with
ease.  The 3/8 inch ratcheting metal chuck locks
snugly onto drill bits for augmented grasp.  Its
all metal gear box will deliver more endurance
overall than most of the competitors.  A handy
onboard bit or tip holder is the only conceivable
feature this little tool requires to reach absolute
perfection.

I recommend this 12 Volt drill driver as the best
choice for any discriminating professional,
backyard handyman, or woman. 

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.

Polaris Ranger UTV.

A Sweet Little Tank.

My Polaris Ranger UTV, Utility All Terrain
Vehicle, is a sweet little tank.  I have to say it is
the most versatile and durable tool I own.  As a
4×4 it takes me over the roughest terrain and
through the densest woods on my mountain
property.

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond

So My Wife Will Love Me.

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond

She Will Love Me, She Will Love Me, She Will Love Me.

This red devil has a handy dump bed making
unloading firewood for winter heat extremely
easy.  During summer months heavy mountain
rains wash out the driveway “goat path.”  The
Polaris Ranger gets me down the road and
back with loads of “my own” replacement gravel.
I do have to be able to get my big cruiser out “so
my wife will love me.”

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.

I Think She Loves Me.

With a winch, the optional 73 inch snowplow
for the Polaris UTV makes keeping up with 
heavy mountain snow storms simple.  Afterall,
my driveway is nearly one-quarter of a mile long.
A neat and clear route for my wife insures me
dinner, so even the dog loves this little beast.

This mean creature has paid for itself many
times over.  This Polaris Ranger UTV is by
far one of the best investments I have ever
made next to my wife, of coarse.

 

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.

Modern compound crossbow

Image via Wikipedia

Our chickens tend to make all the local predators
salivate profusely.  There was a determined red fox
hanging
around quite a bit and I pursued him every
opportune moment.  However, no matter what
I did, I always missed him and I am not a bad
shot.

One early evening the usual racket from the
hutch yanked both my wife and I to our feet.
I grabbed my Horton 175 lb., Compound
Crossbow.   The 20 inch carbon bolts shoot out
of this bow at about 320 foot per second.  I had
been itching to use it and this was my first big
chance.

“I’m going to nail it this time.”  My wife was hot
on my heels as I ran for the shed.  “When I get up
there you hand me the bow.”

I swear, the darn fox is a mind reader.  It sat
down about 50 yards from the shed in clear view
and proceeded to pretend we were not even
there.  It was a clean shot, guaranteed.

Only perhaps a fraction of a milla-mother of
one second before I gently squeezed the trigger
on my crossbow, the fox scrambled quicker than
a confused streaker in a convent.  It was long
gone before the bolt ever left my Horton.
I was not a happy hunter.  Once again I had
missed and if a crossbow could have human
qualities, mine would have beaten me bloody.

Suddenly my wife was laughing so hard she
nearly fell over.  I did not find anything funny
about missing the fur ball, yet again.  It was bad
enough the little snot was off in the woods
somewhere having a good hard laugh, while 
recounting the tale of the crazy human to the
bobcat, mountain lion and bears.

“What?”  I felt bad enough, this was almost too
much to swallow.  “I didn’t flinch or hesitate!”

“You are standing on the roof of the shed in
broad daylight, wearing one blue sock, one
white one, and your tighty-whities.  Have you
ever noticed just how bow-legged you really
are?”

As I looked down at myself she laughed even
harder.  “No honey, you didn’t flinch.  That fox
was laughing so hard it had to leave before it
peed its fur.”

I ask you, how was I to know my wife was saying
prayers for the foxes escape?  

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.   

I have got to know, is yogurt a woman thing?

My wife lives on sweets which are completely
unhealthy, yet she loves yogurt.  I get the drift
that yogurt is somewhat healthy.  She also drinks
Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke because they are not
too syrup-like.

Personally, I think yogurt has about a 1.3
second gag time (the amount of time it takes to
make me gag.)  Therefor it could not possibly
be a man thing.

When it comes to my wife’s extremes between
unhealthy sweets and yo-gag, and diet sodas,
she says the yogurt and sugar-free cancels out
the calories and unhealthiness of the sweets.

Someone has got to let me know, but I think it
truly must be a woman thing.  I do mean woman,
as in my woman’s thing.

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.

Years ago I placed drywalling on the back
burner only doing it on a part-time basis.  I
decided to buy a little grocery store in the
town of Bailey and see how things shook out.

The Bailey Country Store was a lot of fun and
work, but well worth the twenty years I spent
there.  It was the one place on main street
where everyone gathered to chat, flirt, this
is how I met my wife,
and once in a while get
free snacks.

I learned quickly that if I wanted to sell things,
I had to have product to sell.   It was very
important for me to ask the local customers
what they wanted.  Before long I carried a little
bit of everything, from a great selection of food
and household items, to electronics, hardware,
makeup and pantyhose, vitamins and over the
counter medicinal items, kitchen utensils, rolled
up feather beds, towels, Kamasutra oils, movies,
and gift items.  You name it, I would carry it
right down to the old building’s ghosts.

I love to cook and cooking requires a full array
of spices.  Not everyone likes the spices I do, so
as they neared their expiration date I would pull
them and replace them with new ones.  I soon
had a vast collection of unsaleable spices.  This
required fast thinking to keep from losing money
on them.  I came up with my own version of the
Santa Maria seasoning for beef, and a kick butt
hot Cajun seasoning blend for chicken.

I utilized my butcher shop and pre-seasoned tri-
tip roasts, wrapped them snugly at put them in
the case.  I did the same with my Cajun recipe on
wings.  The food was selling so fast I could hardly
keep up, and it was not just the meat.  People had
to buy everything they needed for the full meal.
Before I knew what hit me, I was up to my blood
shot eyeballs in alligators. 

People started coming from all over to buy meat
from my butcher shop.  Whenever someone 
asked how to cook the roasts my line was, “Just
roll it around on the grill for six to eight beers,
about forty-five minutes.  A few less beers if you
like beef really rare,” 

I hung in there for a few (twenty) years of twenty
four, seven work.  I was very proud of that place
and, as you can imagine, my recipes.  People
came and went, nothing took place in
Park County without word of it arriving
at the good old BCS first.  Life was a constant
gathering of dear friends.

I do miss the Bailey Country Store and all of the
people who stopped in.  There is a huge lonely
spot in this old drywaller’s heart.  Yet, I still run
across customers from back then and we’ll shoot
the breeze just like old times.  They always scold
me for having sold the business, because good
meat and customer care are so hard to come by
these days.  It was an honor for me to serve Park
County, and residents of Bailey, Colorado and all
those who traveled from everywhere to buy my
Santa Maria tri-tips and Cajun style wings.

By the way, this really does make my wife “The
Butcher’s Wife.”
  That is what she gets for
watching that movie so many times.  Just
don’t tell her I said it’s fine to call her that,
and you can.

Copyright 2011, by Glenn Raymond.

It's been one of those days.

Yes, I did say a few of those words.  Mill marks in
this drywall set the scene for a twisted, chaotic
kind of horror.  I am glad it broke before I got
out on the high plank, much higher and longer
than the one you can see beyond me in the
photo.  Those planks have a tendency to bounce
when you walk on them.  I so hate falling from
high places and blowing out my knee or breaking
bones, because regardless I have to continue
working.  I like to get paid so there is no room
for pain.

I can just imagine the headline, “Wife Breaks
Husband’s Neck After Breaking His Fall.”